The Defeated: A defeaning silence
by aemrith
Summary: Events after Episode 22 of the anime - They're back inside the walls and after everything that's happened, Levi faces the reality and Hanji does the same.
1. Chapter 1

The moment they got back inside the wall, things have been a total blur. Levi was used to all the talking, but this time around, inside his head, there were no voices. The deafening silence one usually hears in a quiet night is the one surrounding him in this bright afternoon.

Formalities went on as per usual, and Levi did his part, writing down and signing things, getting used to this _deafness_ he now has.

One person at a time, each face looks the same to Levi, but he would manage a word or two, he himself is not sure what he was saying – he can't hear himself either.

As much as he hates it, they have to face the family of those who died. Levi then looked up at Irvin, not because Irvin called out his name but because Levi was so used to sensing someone else's presence. He left his table, neat as usual and followed Irvin to the mess hall. The mess hall is where soldiers usually eat, and civilians are not normally in here, but at special times like these, it becomes Levi's most hated place. Each expedition, the way the Legion has dealt with the families of those they lost becomes different. And as of lately, Irvin would order that the families be gathered altogether in some special cases.

Irvin stood up front, a little elevated portion where a blackboard's pinned on the wall – the spot where urgent announces were made and the likes. Levi followed Irvin, still deaf but he can distinguish every face in the crowd as clear as he can remember the faces these people are mourning for.

Even before Irvin let out a word, Levi, for the very first time heard cries – many of them. He then saw to his right, Erd's fiancé, and her cries were messy, tears all over her slightly swollen face. He noted how she holds onto her stomach, cradling it as if there's an invisible thing she's holding. An old woman tries her best to calm her while holding back her own tears and Levi discreetly looked away.

Irvin started talking, and Levi felt like the world was suddenly too loud. Having his hearing back suddenly felt like a curse has been lifted, but he doesn't want it to be yet. It was lifted far too early.

After Irvin told the families the grave truth about their loved one's remains, Levi tried to hold his stare as he heard more crying, people shouting out names he knew quite well, questions they throw to the air where no one would or could answer.

By this time, Irvin would be coming down from where he is, but instead Irvin stood there, his face as expressionless as Levi.

"Levi-san…" An old man, the one who was talking to Levi after they just got in, the one who was all smiles and excitement talking about his daughter, the one who is Petra Ral's father, walked towards them, on the platform and with trembling hands grabbed onto Levi's sleeve. "My daughter…"

All Levi could do was look at him. At the most, he tried to look at him with less of his usual emotionless face – but all Levi could really manage was a blank look in the man's already bulging, swollen, red eyes.

The man's grip went to Levi's forearm, he was shaking and his tears were building down his chin – some of them falling on Levi's hand. "It's not true Sir… it's…"

Even in Levi's surprise, he heard himself talking – his usual voice, the borderline of uninterested and bored, "This is a war we're fighting." He said, holding onto the old man's hand, "Many of us have died and will die." At that, he tightened his hold onto the old man before letting go – the old man's hand dropping to his sides as he sat on the ground and continued weeping.

Soon enough, Irvin was at the door and Levi, his blank face back to how it was, turned towards where Irvin is and suddenly, Levi felt someone grab his shoulder – the touch was softer, most likely that of a woman.

Levi felt himself being pulled to face his back and with thoughts suddenly blank, he felt his cheek burning – the sting of someone's hand hitting his cheek was suddenly more painful that a titan's blood landing on his skin.

It was Erd's fiancé, her other hand on her stomach, her face drenched, with tears still flowing as Levi watches the fire of anger burn in her eyes. "How could you…"

"Emilia…" The old woman from before spoke, holding onto Erd's fiancé, "You have to calm down…"

Emilia didn't move an inch and kept her eyes on Levi. "You're a monster…" She said, gaining a little twitch of Levi's corner eye, "You're no different from those monsters out there!"

"Emilia!" The old woman cried, trying to hold her own tears as Emilia tries to lay another hand on Levi. "Stop it! The child! Your child! You have to think of your child!" she kept repeating as Emilia's shouts turned to cries and all Levi could do was watch in silence.

"You made them trust you BUT YOU JUST LET THEM DIE!" Emilia kept shouting, but now she stopped trying to reach Levi. "You didn't even try to get them back home, didn't you!? YOU LEFT THEM!" The entire room was silent, except for some more crying from the other families – Auruo's parents who usually apologize for their son's unbearable attitude, Gunter's grandfather sitting in one corner, his hands covering his face, Petra's father still on the ground…

Irvin looked back, stood on the doorway and just watched. He knew well this is the best thing to do at the moment.

Levi, after having a quick look around the room, looked back at Erd's fiancé, now red and even more swollen than Levi remembered her a few seconds ago. He glanced at the old woman, before he turned around, his back to the rest of the people in the room.

"YOU CAN'T EVEN CRY FOR THEM!"

With that Levi stood his ground one more time, and went for the door.

xXxXx

End Notes: I took the liberty to name Erd's girlfriend, and yeah, turned her into his fiance. Next chapter is one click away! ;)


	2. Chapter 2

Hanji reached her room, and without further ado, went for her notes and scribbled as much as she can. She wouldn't say she hasn't seen or been in an expedition like that of today's, but she'd go as far as saying that her mind is in shambles more than usual. The female Titan, the scream, the behaviour of the other "usual" Titans, the deviants, the deaths, the formation, the strategy – one would not want to get inside her head - venturing outside the walls might be the better option.

After about a few hours, she lost count, she heard a knock on her door and she shouted back some random words; it's her dinner, Levi and Irvin arranged a while back things like these just to make sure Hanji keeps herself fed.

After a few more scribbling, Hanji opened her door, grabbed the bread, bit on it and while it's still in her mouth, she glanced at the hallway, spotting a familiar short figure before she takes the entire tray and shuts her door.

She finished her bread even before she noticed it, and grabbed a new set of papers from inside her drawer. Hanji stood up, walked through her bookshelves - Levi says that no one would be able to navigate this junkyard – and spotting her targeted book, Hanji went back to her desk. On top of her other notes scattered in front of her, Hanji puts down her now cold coffee atop an oddly looking piece of paper and she immediately moved it away.

Taking her attention away from her Titan notes is almost impossible, but this piece of paper seemed to have done it so easily. Hanji stared at the paper; it was the list of the people who died this morning. She would always have this list (a copy that is) for her own logs and Hanji used to hate seeing it, actually. She has grown accustomed to it, but there's always that not so good taste in her stomach whenever she sees this.

The expedition this morning had a lot things going on, and Hanji had a sudden flash of memory in her mind: bodies being thrown from the carriage, possibly stepped on by a Titan that was behind them, the thugs made by flesh and bones hitting the ground...

Quickly, she shoved it away, turning back to her notes – it has been Hanji's scapegoat.

A knock came on her door again, and after her random wails, the soldier insisted that Hanji comes out. It turns out she's being summoned for interrogation – they want her own version of what happened.

Inside the room was Irvin, and honestly, Hanji didn't give a damn who the interrogator was – she doesn't care, and she's in the middle of cracking a new found theory she has regarding the Titan Shifter's ability to harden and how Eren could do it.

The interrogation was brief, and Hanji, as wordy as she is, would keep it to a minimum for the sake of having her own time back. After talking about the Female Titan's Capture, Hanji quickly and precisely talked about how she was left to gather as much material from whatever's left of the female titan after the other 'usual' titans devoured her. She didn't go anywhere near what happened to Levi's squad since she couldn't – she wasn't there, and she actually became annoyed when the person kept prying her for answers. The person she saw along the hallway a few moments ago, she could imagine him looking at her. Hanji then ended with what her recent findings were, and when the interrogator gave her the usual sour look, Hanji took it as an advantage, "Would you like to hear more of my research-?" 

"No. You may go back to your quarters, Zoe." The man said, and Irvin glanced at Hanji, and Hanji discreetly smiled, her eyes lit up as she makes her way back to her room.

As Hanji was near her hallway, she saw Mike standing outside his own room. "Oi, Mike!"

"The questions they ask are getting weirder and weirder." Mike glanced at her, "You still have your stuff on?" he said, pointing at Hanji's straps and what nots. Hanji looked at herself and for a moment she wondered and then just shrugged. "Anyway, I feel as if the higher ups are up to something."

"Oh, you can tell from the smell?" Hanji asked nonchalantly.

"No, they asked me too." Mike replied, holding onto his knob. "About Captain Levi's Squad-"

"I know nothing more than you do." Hanji replied, and Mike was taken a back a little by how serious she said this. It's just uncharacteristic of Hanji, but he just nodded.

There was a few seconds of complete silence when Hanji just smiled, "Well, at least they're done asking us. I hate it when I have to leave my room, can't they understand a researcher don't have time!?" She said this loudly and without waiting for any response, Hanji went back to her room.

A few more hours and Hanji dropped her pen. She usually works herself to no ends, but now, it just feels like her hand's being heavy on its own. She decided to stretch a little, and looking down on her clothes, she can see a few stains – probably blood – on her pants.

It's been almost a day, but it's just now that Hanji manages to unbuckle all of her belts and harnesses, taking in the usual feel of her muscles and flesh tense and relax from the new found freedom. She can hear Levi's voice inside her head, nagging her about her being filthy, and for some reason, Hanji agrees with him.

Before she knew it, Hanji was in her tub, just letting herself lie in the water. She looked up at the ceiling and the emptiness calmed her somehow. Out of the tub in about ten minutes, Hanji puts on some fresh clothes, and to her surprise, when she goes back to her desk, she had this sudden feeling that she should just stop and call it a day.

Heading to bed, she grabbed a few pages of her notes, and kept a candle on her bedside table. Soon her entire back felt the bed, and Hanji felt uneasy yet there seems to be nothing else she should be doing at the moment. She propped her notes in front of her, getting a glance of the sky just outside her window. It's more or less three or four hours before sunrise, but to Hanji, getting to bed at this time is early. Usually she'll still be on her desk well after sunrise.

A few more readings and Hanji felt like giving up. She puts down her notes on her table and blew off the candle – the room's suddenly dark, with a little moonlight seeping in. 

Since it's too early, her body can't seem to find sleep just yet – but Hanji knows there's nothing better she can do. Its times like these, going to bed but not feeling sleepy, are where memories of expeditions crawl back into her busy mind – and Hanji hates them.

People getting bitten in half, swallowed whole, limbs cut off here and there – every moment she sees one, she remembers them. For a second she felt that pang of guilt inside, that question that ran in her head while they were disposing off the bodies – how did those people die? How did Levi's squad, those hand-picked by humanity's strongest soldier, how did they die? A small part in her still thinks that it was all a joke. _How the heck can those guys die?_ They were a thousand times better than most she's seen in her years in the Legion and now…

Hanji shut her eyes, and she closed them tight – she doesn't like thoughts like these. She found herself staring at the ceiling again, and before the memories flood back, she heard a creaking sound and soon her door opens.


	3. Chapter 3

She kept her eyes on the ceiling, as she listens to someone approaching her bed. She scooted a little more to the side, and soon enough, she felt her sheets being moved and her bed creaked at the sound of another person lying down on it.

The familiar feel was there – his small stature that Hanji thought that would never reach the edge of the bed, warm beside her.

Hanji looked to her side, and in the dim light, she can see his face, perhaps not clearly, but Hanji knows his face well, she won't need lots of light to know who he is. Even in the darkness, she can see the contours of his face – and that slightly plump cheek, possibly red; Hanji heard from Irvin what happened earlier that day, all she could do was keep silent.

There Levi lay on his side, his face a few inches away from Hanji's. He would usually lie down like this, his face close to hers, his knees bent a little, making him look shorter than he already is.

Without any words, Hanji just pulled her blanket higher, covering up to Levi's shoulders. Afterwards, Hanji then looked up at the ceiling again.

A few minutes later, Hanji felt a warm, familiar touch on her arm. It was Levi's forehead. He would lean closer, let his forehead touch her arm, and they would stay like that till they find sleep.

"See you tomorrow shorty…" Hanji murmured, and she can feel him move a little.

There was a pause, and soon afterwards, "Yeah, yeah, four eyes…" Levi replied; his face now buried in her arm.

This was their only way, their only way to let out what they can't let out. Hanji moved closer to him than usual, and watches as humanity's strongest soldier try to let himself out as much as he can. Levi was not crying, there were no tears – but Hanji knew his tears have been long gone. It's not that he doesn't know how to cry, it's just that, perhaps after everything that he's been through, he has forgotten how to do it; And Hanji didn't need tears to know how Levi is feeling. These moments, him coming to her, these are everything she needs to know how he feels. He would be here, and they would both just seek refuge from each other.

Just lying next to each other in the dark, their faces feeling the warmth of the other – to her and Levi, it became their private sanctuary, away from the world and chaos, away from life and death, away from humanity and all its desire to live on. At times like these, Hanji and Levi get to be just Hanji and Levi, not a scientist and the strongest soldier. Here, they become just normal people.

She probably lost count on how many times they would sleep like this; each other's breaths became their lullaby and as sleep enters Hanji's world, she then remembers that first time that Levi came to her room.

It was a few years back – perhaps a couple of years after Irvin brought Levi to the Scouting Legion. Levi was never the sociable person, but Hanji was never the not-so-sociable so it was a given that they would clash every time they meet.

But one expedition after another, Hanji and Levi learned that there was nothing wrong with them being different. And as Levi saved her life countless times, Hanji has done her fair share of being almost a private doctor to the whole squad. It was like they both had to do their parts – Levi would save her, she would save the others.

One expedition, Hanji was asked not to depart for an expedition because of a research she was working on. Halfway through the day, the Legion was back and to her horror – there were almost half of them missing. Hanji tend the wounded as quickly as she could but she didn't see Levi anywhere. After looking at every place where returnees could be, Hanji decided to go to his room – though she usually doesn't, since he complains how she makes a mess wherever she goes.

Nonetheless, she invited herself into Levi's room and found his sheets all messed up – it was very unusual knowing how much of a clean freak he is. Before she left the room, she felt her chest tighten as she saw some drops of blood on the bed, and a small dagger atop the bedside table.

She felt her stomach tighten and she rushed to the door, out in the hallways and tried to be as her usual self but found it stupid seeing as how she can't even manage a smile.

"Shorty…" she uttered, looking around here and there one more time and soon afterwards, for some reason, she heard a voice in the back of her head, telling her to go back to her room.

Hanji went straight to her room, not really minding the looks soldiers give her as she passes by – they're probably used to her going crazy, but this time, maybe they know something else is going on.

As she opens the door, Hanji stopped on her tracks as he saw him, sitting on her bed, his face blank but she can see faint traces on his cheek. Levi held his wrist, the tiny cloth he used is already soaked with his blood and Hanji approached him. Levi didn't even look up as Hanji sat beside him, her hands on his wrist.

"Give it here, you idiot…" Hanji said, as cheerful as she could and for the first time, she felt as if Levi is the weakest person she knows. As quickly as possible, she stopped the bleeding and Levi just stared at his own wrist. "I don't even wanna know what you're thinking. Have you been drinking?" she said these as she finishes up treating him.

Levi, still staring at his wrist, his expressionless face already back up to where it usually is, "Those fucking titans…" he said this, his _thug_ stories suddenly playing at the back of Hanji's head, "Those disgusting things ate more than usual today."

Hanji froze, "How many of you made it ba-?"

"A third or less" Levi spoke, cutting her off; his usual tone suddenly sounds harsh. Hanji stood up, just looking at Levi, not really sure what to say. She thought there were so few of them that came back, but she didn't know they lost that much.

After a few moments of silence and to Levi's surprise, Hanji knelt in front of him and poked his forehead. To her relief, Levi glared and Hanji felt like she's seeing the Levi she sees every day. "Only a third of you; you're lucky shorty." She said, managing a smile while Levi's eyes went wide for a millisecond then back to their usual stare.

Soon Hanji stood up and walked closer to Levi. She can hear him breathing, his face inches from her stomach. To her surprise, Levi leaned closer, his forehead touching her stomach and Hanji found herself leaning closer as well. "Lucky, huh…" He uttered and Hanji stood there, pulling Levi's head closer and she felt him grabbing onto the sides of her shirt.

Hanji smiled remembering the moment. After years from that day he first came to her, Hanji is reminded of how lucky they both are to still be lying next to each other like this, hearing each other's breathing, despite the many and grave encounters in and outside the walls. Every day could be their last, but here they are still alive, and Hanji couldn't really ask for anything more. Each other was their proof that they can and will keep going no matter what happens. She then chuckled, thinking her thoughts are getting silly.

Levi's now sleeping, his breath steady as usual, and Hanji for the first time held his face – she wasn't sure how she can tell, but to her, it looks as if he's actually at peace. She's seen him sleeping countless times, but this is the first time she's seen him looking calm and for a moment she wished time would stop. Hanji closed her eyes, surprised at how the chaotic memories didn't make their way back and everything was just suddenly light.

And with that they lay and fell sleep, listening to each other's sign of life. No one, not one of them can tell what would happen next – but they will keep going.

xXxXx

A/N: Thanks for reading! And sorry if it's messy or something… yeah… but thanks again everyone! ^_^


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